Not Sure At All

Wow.

I just can't even.

No.

Nobody these days "lives under a rock." Especially those of you who have access to reading this here blog - or any blog, for that matter. If you have access to any media whatsoever, technological or otherwise, you know. You know what happened on Monday. You know what happened last night & what's going on now. I don't need to tell you about it and I certainly don't feel qualified nor, frankly, up to it energetically or spiritually, to write about it here. Many other, much more eloquent writers, are able to and will share their thoughts on it all. I just...

...The best I can say is a summation of what a fellow blogger friend wrote after participating in the Marathon on Monday. You can read his entire post here. I love his words: "Evil is not a thing, it's a lack of a thing. It's a void where the relationship between God and something, someone, in the world ought to be. We can fill that space, leave no room for evil." This is what we must do - leave no room for evil. Only love. Big love! Together, we can fill the void.

And now... what I really want to do... what I've been wanting to do for a few days now, if only I had the time... is to write, of course, about Sweetie and the developments she's been through this week. Which, you know, is fine. After all, this is a blog for her. About her. A blog dedicated to what she's going through as a kid diagnosed with Chronic Lyme Disease, and what we, as her parents, are experiencing alongside her. Of course it makes sense for me to want to write about her and her situation on this blog. Especially in a week when she's been experiencing her own personal challenges, health-wise.

But, it just feels so... little, now. So unimportant. And not only that, but so presumptuous of me to put a post out there today, of all days. A blog post all about her and us and her health and concerns therein... when so many bigger things are happening all around us. Who the heck gives a damn about her and us when, ultimately, she's just fine, and knowing others so very close to home are anything but fine at all. It doesn't feel right.

But it also feels so right. To write. About anything else. To escape into my own tiny world. My world, filled with my Sweetie and Hubby and family and all my loved ones who I know care specifically about us and her and me. To do what I do, and write about what I know. Especially on a day like today when it's impossible to grasp the meaning of what's going on in the world - even if it's so close to home. Especially when it's so close to home. Impossible to understand the insanity of it all.

To be grounded. Safe.

To write. And pretend, just for the moment, that any current worries I may have for Sweetie are the biggest worries to be had in this world. Wouldn't that be nice.

Moving forward...

So. Sweetie has been sick this week. Actually, it started last Wednesday. Sent her off to school in the morning - fine. Come home that evening to find her - sick. But, you know, just a cold. Eh. No big deal. She'll be fine.

And she was. Through Thursday, Friday and all through the weekend. Of course, she had a terrible cough along with her general stuffiness, thus having us cancel all our plans on Sunday so we could just hunker down and stay home. But she, being the ever great Sweetie that she is, was a trooper through it all and really gave us no pause to think anything much of it. Just a cold. Big deal.

Then came Monday morning. I woke her up for school, then checked back in with her a few minutes later to see that she was up and getting dressed. Nope. Not so much. She looked, eh, okay. Okay enough, that is. Like a kid who had a cold, as she did. But she was wishing of getting a "snooze." She was not wanting to get up and to school.

And, as I always do, every time when she's all-of-a-sudden not wanting to go to school, I questioned her on whether or not something was "up" at school. Was there a particular reason she didn't want to go today? No, there wasn't. There never is. Sweetie likes school. She's not the type of kid who ever tries to get out of going to school. But every time... I always find myself doubting her motives. She was fine enough to plan to go to school just the night before. What, overnight in her sleep, had changed that so suddenly?

I took her temperature and it was, eh, kinda high. 100 degrees. Okay, then. Mondays, of all the days, are among the best for me to keep her home, per my schedule. I told her, fine - you can stay home today, but you must rest. No jumpy, happy, crazy activity, happy to be home from school. You have to rest to get over his cold.

Okay.

And then... she wasn't hungry. For anything. And then... her temp went up to 101.something. She was sleepy. Her temp went up to 103.something. Her cough was still as bad as ever, while she seemed a bit better off in the stuffy nose department. She was sick. For sure.

I called her doctor and took her in to be seen that afternoon. As we described the events of the last few days, and the sudden change to "sick" that morning, her doc knowingly looked at me, saying it sounded like something bacterial was going on. Especially considering that Sweetie's oxygenation test just then was really low. Huh. (How low? I don't know. I'm so mad at myself for not asking what the numbers were. How low? What's normal? I don't know. All I know is what the doctor said - it was low.)

A quick checkup later, and there we had it - a mild case of walking pneumonia for Sweetie.

Truth be told, as we waited between the time I called for the appointment and our trip into see her doctor, I suspected that Sweetie may have pneumonia. Why? I have no idea. I've never, to my knowledge, had pneumonia. My mom had it over this last Christmas time, but other than that I'm not aware of anyone in my family ever coming down with it. But there ya go. That's what I suspected she had and that's what she has. A mom can always tell.

As we waited to go to the doctor, and certainly in the time since, I've of course been researching online about pneumonia and its connection, if any, to Chronic Lyme Disease. And, wouldn't you know it, but there are a couple certain kinds of pneumonia that specifically plague those with Chronic Lyme.

This new information, coupled with my nagging feeling that Sweetie's simple little cold turned awfully quickly into pneumonia... well, it just has me wondering, that's all.

BUT... did I ask her doctor about any possible connection between the Lyme and her pneumonia? No. Of course I didn't! Because that would have been smart! Just like I didn't ask what Sweetie's oxygenation levels were. Heck, no. Just tell me what she's got, what she needs to take to fix it, and how long to keep her out of school. Other than that... we're good. I'll take it from here.

Man, but I wish I asked more questions.

On the other hand, I know in the past I've asked Sweetie's doctor if random whatever symptoms Sweetie has been experiencing are due to her Lyme. And most, if not all of the time, her doctor tells me "we can't be sure." Grrrr! I know the doc's not trying to play games with us... I know... Lyme is a tricky little bastard and, really, we can't be sure.

I guess these past answers were in the back of my mind Monday and, either knowingly or unknowingly, kept me from asking what I "knew" to be an unanswerable question. We can't be sure.

All we can do is wait. And hope. If what Sweetie has is one of those pneumonia strains that shows up a lot of times in Lyme patients... well, she'll probably get it again. And then we'll know. Or at least have a better understanding.

I guess I have to realize that, from now on, whenever Sweetie - my used-to-be-a-very-healthy-little-girl Sweetie - gets sick, that it may be because of the Lyme. And, well, maybe it's just her being sick.

Maybe my used-to-be-a-very-healthy-little-girl is having one heck of a bad health year this year (strep through, stomach bug, pneumonia) simply because she has been so healthy before and now all the sicknesses are finally catching up to her, as they naturally would one day anyway. OR, she's been so sick lately because her immune system is not what it should be, because of the Lyme, thus making it easier for her to catch all the bad germs. OR, all these rather major illnesses are a direct result of the Lyme. Or any combination therein. Or whatever. Who knows.

Maybe it's just not Sweetie's year.

I guess, all in all, it shouldn't really matter why Sweetie has been sick so often this year. She's sick. Deal with the illnesses as they come along. No big deal.

But, you know. It does matter.

Because it would be nice to know, I think, if her health issues are directly, or even indirectly, related to her Lyme. Then we would know if she's likely to continue getting sick. Or, conversely, if, like I said, she's just having a bad time of it now but, this too shall pass.

Will this pass? Or is this what her life is now? Always on the lookout? Always being cautious. Always another "feeling sick" day in the not too far off future?

Will my used-to-be-a-very-healthy-little-girl ever return to her very healthy days? Is this just a blip on her map? Or is this her new map?

Who knows. We can't be sure.

Where Do You Shine?

Another blog post brewing in my mind, another challenging personal decision of, "which blog does this really belong to?" I'm going with this one, although it really could work just as well on my other one.

Anyway...

I like to consider myself a reader. Although, if you look at the other women in my book club, you'll find that I'm, by far, the slowest, least prolific reader of them all. I often have trouble getting through the one book each month we're "assigned" to read - especially if I don't find it completely interesting. My co-clubbers, though... these awesome ladies can not only make it through this one book, but several others as well, all before we meet again each 4 weeks or so. Amazing. I don't see how they can do it.

But... this last month, I must say I've done pretty well for myself on the reading front. Our club meets next Friday evening and I'll be able to report on not only the assigned book, but a couple others as well. Yes, it took me a few false starts to find some books with characters I was truly interested in learning more about. But when I did, I read their stories fast and furiously, excited to learn more about their worlds and what drama they'd find themselves in as the pages kept turning.

Funny thing about favorite books. You love them so much that you can't put them down, which only makes your time with these wonderful stories that much shorter. Boo.

Anyway...

It's occurred to me that my favorite books are those that make me think. What is happening here? Why does the main character think one thing is true, while the others think she's crazy? What would life be like if this was really how the world worked? How would I feel if I was in this same situation? When I love a book, I actually find it really difficult to stop thinking about it and I often bring my Hubby and Sweetie into the fictional world, telling them the story and using them to either bounce plot resolution ideas off of or ruminate with them about this newly created "what if" situation of "what if our world was really like the one that I'm reading about?" Thankfully, Hubby's a reader too, and Sweetie loves stories, so they're both good for some ideas and don't seem to mind terribly much when I start blabbering on about "my book" every night.

Currently, I'm reading a truly great "what if" book. It's called The Illumination* and it's about how, one day, all the pains of the world just start to glow with light. You cut your finger? Yes, it will hurt just as it ever would. But it also shines a light from within it. You have a headache? Your forehead glows with the light of the pain. And let's hope you don't bump your nose right around Christmas time or everyone will start calling you Rudolf.

This is really a fascinating concept, if you think about it. Kids start hurting themselves on purpose just to see this or that body part shine with the pain. Abused women and children can no longer hide their bruised and battered bodies under layers of clothing - their pain shines through. Doctors and emergency workers need to wear sunglass from all the intensely bright light they're subjected to every single day. In fact, doctors start treating emergency patients based on how brightly their injuries shine. "Oh, you're beaming like a beacon - come right this way! You over there glowing more dimly in the corner - you can wait a bit." No pain in the world can be hidden. You got painful hemorrhoids? Sorry, my friend, but people are gonna know about it. It's just the way it is now.

So, doing what I do, I started telling Hubby and Sweetie about this book. I told them how I, since reading this story, have really started to pay more attention to how my body feels. If I was glowing with pain right now, where would my light shine? Well, my legs have been crossed for a bit, and actually that kind of hurts a little. So I'd probably have a soft glow going on behind my right knee. And my lower back, as usual, hurts right now - but not as badly as other times. It too would be a low-light shine. But at it's worst? Yeah, my back would be shining with the best of 'em. What about you?

Both Hubby and Sweetie thought this concept was just as interesting as I did, and they too were able to really "feel" their bodies at that moment and pinpoint where a light would be shining for them - if at all. And not only that, but how brightly that light would shine. From Hubby's ever-tired feet to the on-going dull headache he's seemed to have of late, he was able to say what would, or actually really wouldn't, be too bright of a light. And Sweetie - she of the "I'm great every day!" attitude - offered up that her lips, at that moment, would shine a bit because of how chapped they were. And later after dinner? She even said that, if we actually did live in such a world where our pains lit up, we'd probably be able to see that she had a bit of a tummy cramp right then from the light coming from her middle.

Huh. What a great tool. For us all, really, to honestly take notice of our bodies and how we're feeling. But for Sweetie especially, I think. Instead of us asking her every once in awhile how she's feeling, only to receive her usual "great!" response - and us never really knowing what "great" means for her... we can ask her "where, if anywhere, would you shine right now?" For the last couple days, I actually haven't even had to ask this. Sweetie offers up for herself, "I'd be shining right here (points to her just-pinched thumb as she pulls it away from the offending door before too much injury occurs) if our pains lit up."

I told Sweetie how great I think this new way of thinking about pain really is, especially for her. I pointed out to her how, if that was the world we lived in, she could no longer pass off her dismissive "I'm great! I'm fine!" We'd be able to see quite plainly for ourselves just how true, or not, that statement really is by how much, and where, her body glows. I told her I think that's what I'm going to do from now on. No more asking her how she is. From now on, I'll ask her, "Are you shining anywhere? Where do you shine?"

Of late, I really do think Sweetie's doing pretty great. Her reduced dosage of her herbal supplements has done nothing to change her daily health for the worse. 1 month down, 2 more months to go. Hopefully she'll stay just as symptom-free as she's been until that next doctor appointment. Here's hoping.

But if ever she does have something to report - or I suspect she's not feeling all that well - at least I'll be able to know a little better what exactly it is that's got her feeling yucky. All I'll have to do is ask her that great new question - "where do you shine?"

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(*Book Club friends - As much as I recommend this book, please hold off on reading it now. It may very well be my next pick when it's my turn to choose again. I've said a lot about the premise here, but there's so much more to it too. It'll be a great read for us, I'm sure.)