Worries and Other Emotions

Back to school time!

Sweetie started 5th grade yesterday, and she loves it! She had a great day, with her only complaint being that each class seemed to go by in, like, a minute. The time just flew. Old friends, new teacher, new responsibilities and same ol' happy, school-loving Sweetie. Yay!

Then Hubby picked her up from her after-school time at my parents' house. He said she hardly talked all the way home. They stopped at a store and she quietly walked besides him, taking a hold of his hand as they went along instead of skipperdie-dooing all throughout the aisles, taking up as much flailing-arms space as she possibly could - as is her typical M.O. I called when I was on my way home from work, asking how he and she were. "She's a little quiet, but good."

When I walked in the door, she was huddled on the couch, not answering my questions at all. Only shaking her head when I asked her if she felt alright.

Woo hoo. New record! 1st day of school and she comes home sick.

By and by, though, she perked up. She didn't have a fever and only stated that her stomach felt bad... maybe she'd throw up? She wasn't sure. In the end, by the time she got ready and was off to bed, she was joking and chattering once again. Nothing came of anything. She woke up this morning feeling "great!"

Hmmm... that was weird.

We had been hanging out with friends earlier in the week whose kids had just gotten over a brief low fever/stuffy nose thing. Maybe she'd gotten a little of that? Who knows.

Anyway, prior to yesterday's mystery weirdness, a week ago she'd gone to a friend's birthday party, where they all went glow bowling. The birthday girl's mom dropped off all the guests on their way home and Sweetie walked in the door complaining of a headache.

Tear-inducing, turned-her-white-as-a-ghost migraine, more like it.

Nothing that a good vomiting couldn't cure! After that, she slept well through the night and woke up just fine.

That one, in and of itself, seemed pretty straight forward. Heck, that's just like me! I tend to get 1 or 2 migraines a year, but once I get sick from it I'm almost instantly feeling better. Like mother like daughter (and Auntie and a few other family members on both sides of the family, actually.)

But, still... put it all together and it's a bit suspicious. A bit, shall we say - familiar - with Sweetie.

Bouts of sour stomach and increasingly bad headaches, all that come on rather all-of-a-sudden like and leave just as quickly. Hey! That's Sweetie's Lyme "thing"! Great to see you back!

Not.

Or it's just an isolated migraine brought on by crazy lights and loud noise, and one case of upset stomach as a result of jitters and/or excitement after a first day back at school.

Or possibly, yes, the above... but because she's now a kid more apt to be prone to uncomfortableness because of the Lyme.

A couple things running through my mind now, both of which I've been wanting to write about for the last few weeks and just haven't made the time to do it. Neither of which are terribly connected to the other, but given the circumstances, I think I'm now going to give it a shot.

Firstly, I've been wanting to report on what the prime summer activity has been in our little family. Geocaching! Basically, treasure hunting out in the world, going by only a handful of clues and coordinates on a GPSer. It's a hobby my Hubby has been in love with for the last 4 years or so, and this summer Sweetie was interested on going on every-other-weekend geocaching treks. So, away we went! And, given the nature of geocaching, we found ourselves many times in the heart of the woods, where many a cache is hidden.

"Gee," you might say. "You continue to take your daughter into the woods on a regular basis - where ticks are plentiful! - even after her chronic Lyme diagnosis?!" Why, yes. Yes we do. And, if I'd written a post on this a few weeks back as I'd originally planned, I would have extolled the importance of not "living by the Lyme," not eradicating what we love, just because it tends to take us to places where potentially more tick bites could occur - for Sweetie or Hubby or I!

But now... I'm wondering if Sweetie was, in fact, bitten again during one of these outings and that's why it appears her Lyme symptoms are coming out to "play" again.

Granted, it's also important to note that we each have geocaching-specific clothes we wear each time that has been sprayed with Permethrin, which does a great job at keeping ticks away. We also always do a (admittedly cursory) tick check and anti-ceptic towelette wipe-down once we're out of the woods. So, with that, I'm reasonably certain we've all managed to stay tick-free this summer.

However, I'm also ashamed to admit that I pretty much never did a detailed tick check on her once we were home. Or, for that matter, on any random given day after some playtime outside. Hubby and I both told Sweetie on a few occasions that she's really got to be checking herself each night as she gets ready for bed, and how important it is to make sure she's not bit again. But - come nighttime, tick checks were quite honestly the last thing on my mind - to do, or make sure were done.

I know. You'd think me of all people would be super conscientious of making sure none of us had the little buggers hiding out on us. But, nope. I rarely thought of it. Or, if I did, Sweetie had already gone to bed about a half an hour before. "Oh well. I'm sure she's fine. Anyway, those things are so tiny that, even if she did have one on her, I'd probably still not see it even if I looked her over!"

Ha! Like I said, maybe she's been bit again and I really, really should have been on top of that!

Secondly, I wanted to write a little bit about someone I know whose young daughter has Cystic Fibrosis. I am so impressed with all that this family does to support the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation and the incredible need to find a cure for this condition. The whole family is amazing and they do so much in support of not only their younger daughter, but everyone who is struggling with CF. Yet, at the same time, even they admit that their daughter is - by and large - a strong, healthy little girl. She is a happy, active, thriving little girl who, yes, has to take her daily medicines and supplements, and has to go through her daily routines to make sure her lungs stay clear and strong, and she goes for her regular CF checkups multiple times a year. But she's doing it! And, yes, she needs to be extra careful around other sick people. And, yes, she comes down with the typical childhood colds and whatnot. And, yes, these "typical" childhood illnesses are a whole lot more scary and ominous for both her and her family, as any little thing could affect her CF in terrible ways. Heck, any seemingly typical childhood illness could actually be her CF acting up! But - knock on wood - she continues to be great through it all.

She's so great, in fact, that I'm sure it's relatively easy for this family to more or less "forget" about her CF. I mean, asides from her daily CF related pills and regimens. Despite all that, and to the world at large, this girl's CF is really quite a hidden condition. A condition that, thank Goodness, hasn't brought anything terrible upon her at all at this point - and hopefully never will. And yet - there she and her family are, working tirelessly time after time to bring awareness of CF and fighting for a cure. Yes, for their daughter, but everyone else stricken with it as well.

When I heard this mom write about why it is that they do all they do for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation when, really, they themselves have a comparably good situation, it struck a cord with me. And made me feel, I admit, a bit - oh, I don't know - "ashamed" maybe isn't quite the right word. But, you know, like I'd kind of taken Sweetie's chronic Lyme and done quite the opposite... once the disease, for Sweetie, was noticeably under control, I just went ahead and looked the other way. La de da. Lyme? What Lyme? Sweetie's good! Nothing to even talk about anymore. So many others with Lyme are the real sufferers. Sweetie's not in that sad, badly-off group. To compare her to the ones who are truly suffering is an injustice to them. She's a trooper! Moving right along...

Man. Aren't I a real peach? My daughter's handling her less-than-ideal situation with pure "great"ness! My daughter is rising above! My daughter is more-than-able to pass for "healthy" on any given day. My daughter is lucky! And so? That's how we move forward. Forget about how bad others have it or how badly she could have had it. That's the best way to approach a less-than-ideal situation! Thank your lucky stars and turn a blind eye to all the gunk.

Maybe "ashamed" is the right word after all.

Instead of turning a blind eye and moving forward like nothing's happened, we really should be acknowledging Sweetie's own daily regimen and how it is these very things that are keeping her so healthy. Instead of gratefully walking away with our rather healthy Sweetie, we should be continuing our educational growth on all things Lyme and finding out what can be done to cure it for all. Instead of only remembering "Hey, Sweetie has chronic Lyme" when she falls sick with any little upset stomach or headache, we should be remembering and helping those with Lyme who suffer so much worse and so much more often. We should be speaking out, not walking away.

Speaking of ashamed... it's almost like I'm ashamed that my daughter - who has been diagnosed with and is managing chronic Lyme - is really handling her Lyme exceptionally well and really seems to feel very little effect from it, when there are so many others out there with the exact same thing who are just absolutely tortured on a daily basis from how beaten down by Lyme they've become.

Phew... that was a tough sentence to write. But let me be clear - I'm 100% NOT ashamed of my daughter AT ALL! I am so amazed and proud and impressed with my daughter, I'd never in a million years be able to express to you how much in every single way. No. This is all on me. I feel badly that we seemed to have "gotten off" pretty darn well after Sweetie's diagnosis. So well that it's easily forgettable. Not in the least comparable to the terrible cases. Shouldn't even be called the same thing as what the other Lyme victims are suffering through. Really, we - she - for the most part - got off Scott free.

For which I am, very, very grateful! But, at the same time, for which I am very, very worried -when times do become a bit suspicious and "Lymey" - that Sweetie might find herself falling into that "other" group one day because we've carelessly let our gaze slip one blink too far away from the happy, healthy, great road she's currently on.

So, yeah. We're good. Sweetie's good. But she's had a couple hiccups of late. Which worry me. Which make me doubt myself. Which always put me back in check to what could be something much, much more than a typical childhood sickness.

She really could fall at any moment. Likewise, she really could remain as well as she usually is for the rest of her life. Just like all of us, I suppose.

We're really all in the same boat. We're all just as likely to be healthy as we are to be sick. No on is more or less likely to be stricken with bad news - or delighted by good news! Sweetie has chronic Lyme and is doing well with it. Others have it and are not. Are doing the best they can. Bottom line - we all should be mindful of each other, grateful for the blessings we have and caring of the support we can offer to others who need it.

Heck, we all need a little support in some way or another.

And I'm going to work hard to try not to forget it!

If You Can't Say Anything Bad...

...then don't say anything at all.

This common, albeit backwards, saying seems to be my take on this blog.  

Which is, yah know, a good thing. I guess. Although, in our case, this doesn't make for a very post-heavy blog. But that's okay. No sicky = no writey. That's just the way it is around here.

When you think about it that way, I'm glad to see such a blah, unattended-to blog here. Sorry for my readers who are looking for more info... but happy for us that Sweetie's been well. 

Well, I'm here with an update, so you know what that must mean...

Duh, duh, DUH....

Actually, she's still been okay. But... just not herself. Maybe it's not the Lyme at all! Maybe it's the heat, the oppressive humidity, or changing hormones. Maybe all of that! Maybe that's it. But, whatever, she hasn't been right, and Hubby and I have taken notice.

Let me back up some...

So you may have remembered from this other post that we've been slowly reducing Sweetie's herbal supplements dosage, under doctor's watch, with an eye to eventually getting her off of it completely. She's been on just one pill every morning for the last 5 weeks, and today was to be her last day of that. Nothing more. Done. Complete. Off of everything. 

Until...

Hubby and I noticed her, over this last week or so, just being... more quiet. Tired. Blah. Grumpy. Whiney. Not all the time. But a goodly noticeable amount of time. And I've noticed her running off to the bathroom a fair amount, out of the blue, too. Just not herself.

We'd ask her how she was, how she was feeling, and she'd say "fine," "I feel good!" She was adamant about this every time, but I also noticed that she rarely, if ever, described herself as "great" as is her usual personally-assessed state. Maybe she's just over the "great" thing? Or she truly, even subconsciously, knew that she was feeling... oh, I don't know... just less than. Not herself. 

The way I see it is that I think she's reverted to feeling her usual Lyme-ridden indescribably yucky sick, yet because she can't put a finger on exactly what it is that she feels yucky about, she just says she's good, or fine, or even great. But Hubby and I can see it. She's just not right. 

It's hard. She's definitely not outright sick. Lord knows I've heard of much, much worse off cases of Lyme, and I'm thankful every day that Sweetie is managing so well with what she's been handed. But still... we don't like seeing her any less than how we know her to be when she's feeling well. 

And maybe it's the fact that she was getting so close to being off the herbals that made me start taking more careful notice of her day-to-day behavior and health. Because, honestly, she's been so well that I've almost forgotten that she has Lyme at all. I've almost convinced myself that, hey, the herbals and all the antibiotics have actually killed it all off! She's actually Lyme-free now, because of all she's been on! Or, not even that. It's just, she's been so consistently well that I haven't even given the Lyme a second thought - good or bad. She's just Sweetie again. She's been herself for so long, it's all been a non-issue. 

So, getting so close to being off of everything... yeah, maybe I've just returned to my own hypercritical analysis of her behavior. Carefully assessing how she is to see if taking away the meds is really the best idea. Maybe even seeing behavior that I'm deciding is "new" or "different" when, really, that's just typical Sweetie. 

I'd say that... but Hubby has seen it too. And, when asked, even my mom has admitted that Sweetie has maybe been a bit grumpier than usual, of late. Oh, and, yeah, she has run off to the bathroom a few times at there house when, usually, she'd hardly ever go at all if she was only there for an hour or so. 

And so, we made the decision that we should really alert Sweetie's doctors to the changes we've seen. I also wanted to let the doctor know that Sweetie is currently involved in Theater Camp and is to be part of the culminating production at the end of the month. So, yeah, part of my concern is that I don't want to see her get sicker and either miss some camp days/rehearsals and/or possibly miss the production itself. 

One of the many things I love about Sweetie's doctor - I can email her at any time, even over weekends, and she will respond and diagnose, if she's confidently able to, without even having to see her. As such, she responded to my lengthy email, in which I detailed not only Hubby and my observations but Sweetie's denial of anything being "off." I wondered in the email if we should A) take Sweetie off the herbals, as planned, B) keep her on the 1 pill a day as she's been doing the last 5 weeks, or C) increase her back to 2 pills a day. 

The doc advised option C. Back up to 2 pills a day. 

Okay, then. So be it.

But then, we had to tell Sweetie. I let her know that I wrote to her doctor, telling her how Daddy and I have noticed this change in Sweetie's behavior. 

At first, Sweetie denied everything. She's been fine! She hasn't been whiney! She hasn't been too tired - except that she's been going to bed a bit late recently due to our crazy schedule (true). But we stood our ground and pointed out some specific examples of her off behavior. Hubby asked her point blank if she'd agree that she's been low energy recently. With that, she didn't deny it anymore. She agreed. She hasn't been herself. Before I could go on to say that her doctor wants us to increase her dosage, Sweetie stated that she thinks she should just stay at 1 pill a day until her current bottle runs out. But when I said, in fact, that her doctor wants us to have Sweetie go back to 2 pills a day, Sweetie said okay.

No fights. Not particularly upset, really at all, that the plan to stop meds had been whisked away from her. Nothing. Peace.

To further solidify the decision, I reminded Sweetie how much I trust her doctor, and before I could present reasons for this trust, Sweetie said, "I know, I know! She's Lyme literate and knows what she's talking about."

Like I said. Peace with the decision. It's just the way it is.

This discussion was just before bedtime for Sweetie - a time when, for the last 5 weeks, she's NOT been taking a pill, as her once-a-day has been in the morning. She asked if she should start that night with the second pill. We said she might as well. 

That was Tuesday night of this week.

Today is Friday and - wow! I took Sweetie to camp this morning, as I have the other days this week, and she was all talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. The other mornings? Tired. Silent. Blah. One word answer to questions. And it's not like she's had a boring week and today was just the first morning she had interesting things to tell me about. She's in theater camp! She's got singing and choreography and lines and new friends and camp games and swimming and all sorts of other things she should have/could have been jabbering on about all week. But, nope. Nothing. Until today. Heck, I don't even remember what she was talking about in the car this morning, but I definitely remember that none of it was at all what I'd call important. It was all just silly kid yammering. It was joyful and silly and energetic. For the first time this week. For the first time in a couple weeks!

It was Sweetie again.

And it was great. 

Not Sure At All

Wow.

I just can't even.

No.

Nobody these days "lives under a rock." Especially those of you who have access to reading this here blog - or any blog, for that matter. If you have access to any media whatsoever, technological or otherwise, you know. You know what happened on Monday. You know what happened last night & what's going on now. I don't need to tell you about it and I certainly don't feel qualified nor, frankly, up to it energetically or spiritually, to write about it here. Many other, much more eloquent writers, are able to and will share their thoughts on it all. I just...

...The best I can say is a summation of what a fellow blogger friend wrote after participating in the Marathon on Monday. You can read his entire post here. I love his words: "Evil is not a thing, it's a lack of a thing. It's a void where the relationship between God and something, someone, in the world ought to be. We can fill that space, leave no room for evil." This is what we must do - leave no room for evil. Only love. Big love! Together, we can fill the void.

And now... what I really want to do... what I've been wanting to do for a few days now, if only I had the time... is to write, of course, about Sweetie and the developments she's been through this week. Which, you know, is fine. After all, this is a blog for her. About her. A blog dedicated to what she's going through as a kid diagnosed with Chronic Lyme Disease, and what we, as her parents, are experiencing alongside her. Of course it makes sense for me to want to write about her and her situation on this blog. Especially in a week when she's been experiencing her own personal challenges, health-wise.

But, it just feels so... little, now. So unimportant. And not only that, but so presumptuous of me to put a post out there today, of all days. A blog post all about her and us and her health and concerns therein... when so many bigger things are happening all around us. Who the heck gives a damn about her and us when, ultimately, she's just fine, and knowing others so very close to home are anything but fine at all. It doesn't feel right.

But it also feels so right. To write. About anything else. To escape into my own tiny world. My world, filled with my Sweetie and Hubby and family and all my loved ones who I know care specifically about us and her and me. To do what I do, and write about what I know. Especially on a day like today when it's impossible to grasp the meaning of what's going on in the world - even if it's so close to home. Especially when it's so close to home. Impossible to understand the insanity of it all.

To be grounded. Safe.

To write. And pretend, just for the moment, that any current worries I may have for Sweetie are the biggest worries to be had in this world. Wouldn't that be nice.

Moving forward...

So. Sweetie has been sick this week. Actually, it started last Wednesday. Sent her off to school in the morning - fine. Come home that evening to find her - sick. But, you know, just a cold. Eh. No big deal. She'll be fine.

And she was. Through Thursday, Friday and all through the weekend. Of course, she had a terrible cough along with her general stuffiness, thus having us cancel all our plans on Sunday so we could just hunker down and stay home. But she, being the ever great Sweetie that she is, was a trooper through it all and really gave us no pause to think anything much of it. Just a cold. Big deal.

Then came Monday morning. I woke her up for school, then checked back in with her a few minutes later to see that she was up and getting dressed. Nope. Not so much. She looked, eh, okay. Okay enough, that is. Like a kid who had a cold, as she did. But she was wishing of getting a "snooze." She was not wanting to get up and to school.

And, as I always do, every time when she's all-of-a-sudden not wanting to go to school, I questioned her on whether or not something was "up" at school. Was there a particular reason she didn't want to go today? No, there wasn't. There never is. Sweetie likes school. She's not the type of kid who ever tries to get out of going to school. But every time... I always find myself doubting her motives. She was fine enough to plan to go to school just the night before. What, overnight in her sleep, had changed that so suddenly?

I took her temperature and it was, eh, kinda high. 100 degrees. Okay, then. Mondays, of all the days, are among the best for me to keep her home, per my schedule. I told her, fine - you can stay home today, but you must rest. No jumpy, happy, crazy activity, happy to be home from school. You have to rest to get over his cold.

Okay.

And then... she wasn't hungry. For anything. And then... her temp went up to 101.something. She was sleepy. Her temp went up to 103.something. Her cough was still as bad as ever, while she seemed a bit better off in the stuffy nose department. She was sick. For sure.

I called her doctor and took her in to be seen that afternoon. As we described the events of the last few days, and the sudden change to "sick" that morning, her doc knowingly looked at me, saying it sounded like something bacterial was going on. Especially considering that Sweetie's oxygenation test just then was really low. Huh. (How low? I don't know. I'm so mad at myself for not asking what the numbers were. How low? What's normal? I don't know. All I know is what the doctor said - it was low.)

A quick checkup later, and there we had it - a mild case of walking pneumonia for Sweetie.

Truth be told, as we waited between the time I called for the appointment and our trip into see her doctor, I suspected that Sweetie may have pneumonia. Why? I have no idea. I've never, to my knowledge, had pneumonia. My mom had it over this last Christmas time, but other than that I'm not aware of anyone in my family ever coming down with it. But there ya go. That's what I suspected she had and that's what she has. A mom can always tell.

As we waited to go to the doctor, and certainly in the time since, I've of course been researching online about pneumonia and its connection, if any, to Chronic Lyme Disease. And, wouldn't you know it, but there are a couple certain kinds of pneumonia that specifically plague those with Chronic Lyme.

This new information, coupled with my nagging feeling that Sweetie's simple little cold turned awfully quickly into pneumonia... well, it just has me wondering, that's all.

BUT... did I ask her doctor about any possible connection between the Lyme and her pneumonia? No. Of course I didn't! Because that would have been smart! Just like I didn't ask what Sweetie's oxygenation levels were. Heck, no. Just tell me what she's got, what she needs to take to fix it, and how long to keep her out of school. Other than that... we're good. I'll take it from here.

Man, but I wish I asked more questions.

On the other hand, I know in the past I've asked Sweetie's doctor if random whatever symptoms Sweetie has been experiencing are due to her Lyme. And most, if not all of the time, her doctor tells me "we can't be sure." Grrrr! I know the doc's not trying to play games with us... I know... Lyme is a tricky little bastard and, really, we can't be sure.

I guess these past answers were in the back of my mind Monday and, either knowingly or unknowingly, kept me from asking what I "knew" to be an unanswerable question. We can't be sure.

All we can do is wait. And hope. If what Sweetie has is one of those pneumonia strains that shows up a lot of times in Lyme patients... well, she'll probably get it again. And then we'll know. Or at least have a better understanding.

I guess I have to realize that, from now on, whenever Sweetie - my used-to-be-a-very-healthy-little-girl Sweetie - gets sick, that it may be because of the Lyme. And, well, maybe it's just her being sick.

Maybe my used-to-be-a-very-healthy-little-girl is having one heck of a bad health year this year (strep through, stomach bug, pneumonia) simply because she has been so healthy before and now all the sicknesses are finally catching up to her, as they naturally would one day anyway. OR, she's been so sick lately because her immune system is not what it should be, because of the Lyme, thus making it easier for her to catch all the bad germs. OR, all these rather major illnesses are a direct result of the Lyme. Or any combination therein. Or whatever. Who knows.

Maybe it's just not Sweetie's year.

I guess, all in all, it shouldn't really matter why Sweetie has been sick so often this year. She's sick. Deal with the illnesses as they come along. No big deal.

But, you know. It does matter.

Because it would be nice to know, I think, if her health issues are directly, or even indirectly, related to her Lyme. Then we would know if she's likely to continue getting sick. Or, conversely, if, like I said, she's just having a bad time of it now but, this too shall pass.

Will this pass? Or is this what her life is now? Always on the lookout? Always being cautious. Always another "feeling sick" day in the not too far off future?

Will my used-to-be-a-very-healthy-little-girl ever return to her very healthy days? Is this just a blip on her map? Or is this her new map?

Who knows. We can't be sure.

Where Do You Shine?

Another blog post brewing in my mind, another challenging personal decision of, "which blog does this really belong to?" I'm going with this one, although it really could work just as well on my other one.

Anyway...

I like to consider myself a reader. Although, if you look at the other women in my book club, you'll find that I'm, by far, the slowest, least prolific reader of them all. I often have trouble getting through the one book each month we're "assigned" to read - especially if I don't find it completely interesting. My co-clubbers, though... these awesome ladies can not only make it through this one book, but several others as well, all before we meet again each 4 weeks or so. Amazing. I don't see how they can do it.

But... this last month, I must say I've done pretty well for myself on the reading front. Our club meets next Friday evening and I'll be able to report on not only the assigned book, but a couple others as well. Yes, it took me a few false starts to find some books with characters I was truly interested in learning more about. But when I did, I read their stories fast and furiously, excited to learn more about their worlds and what drama they'd find themselves in as the pages kept turning.

Funny thing about favorite books. You love them so much that you can't put them down, which only makes your time with these wonderful stories that much shorter. Boo.

Anyway...

It's occurred to me that my favorite books are those that make me think. What is happening here? Why does the main character think one thing is true, while the others think she's crazy? What would life be like if this was really how the world worked? How would I feel if I was in this same situation? When I love a book, I actually find it really difficult to stop thinking about it and I often bring my Hubby and Sweetie into the fictional world, telling them the story and using them to either bounce plot resolution ideas off of or ruminate with them about this newly created "what if" situation of "what if our world was really like the one that I'm reading about?" Thankfully, Hubby's a reader too, and Sweetie loves stories, so they're both good for some ideas and don't seem to mind terribly much when I start blabbering on about "my book" every night.

Currently, I'm reading a truly great "what if" book. It's called The Illumination* and it's about how, one day, all the pains of the world just start to glow with light. You cut your finger? Yes, it will hurt just as it ever would. But it also shines a light from within it. You have a headache? Your forehead glows with the light of the pain. And let's hope you don't bump your nose right around Christmas time or everyone will start calling you Rudolf.

This is really a fascinating concept, if you think about it. Kids start hurting themselves on purpose just to see this or that body part shine with the pain. Abused women and children can no longer hide their bruised and battered bodies under layers of clothing - their pain shines through. Doctors and emergency workers need to wear sunglass from all the intensely bright light they're subjected to every single day. In fact, doctors start treating emergency patients based on how brightly their injuries shine. "Oh, you're beaming like a beacon - come right this way! You over there glowing more dimly in the corner - you can wait a bit." No pain in the world can be hidden. You got painful hemorrhoids? Sorry, my friend, but people are gonna know about it. It's just the way it is now.

So, doing what I do, I started telling Hubby and Sweetie about this book. I told them how I, since reading this story, have really started to pay more attention to how my body feels. If I was glowing with pain right now, where would my light shine? Well, my legs have been crossed for a bit, and actually that kind of hurts a little. So I'd probably have a soft glow going on behind my right knee. And my lower back, as usual, hurts right now - but not as badly as other times. It too would be a low-light shine. But at it's worst? Yeah, my back would be shining with the best of 'em. What about you?

Both Hubby and Sweetie thought this concept was just as interesting as I did, and they too were able to really "feel" their bodies at that moment and pinpoint where a light would be shining for them - if at all. And not only that, but how brightly that light would shine. From Hubby's ever-tired feet to the on-going dull headache he's seemed to have of late, he was able to say what would, or actually really wouldn't, be too bright of a light. And Sweetie - she of the "I'm great every day!" attitude - offered up that her lips, at that moment, would shine a bit because of how chapped they were. And later after dinner? She even said that, if we actually did live in such a world where our pains lit up, we'd probably be able to see that she had a bit of a tummy cramp right then from the light coming from her middle.

Huh. What a great tool. For us all, really, to honestly take notice of our bodies and how we're feeling. But for Sweetie especially, I think. Instead of us asking her every once in awhile how she's feeling, only to receive her usual "great!" response - and us never really knowing what "great" means for her... we can ask her "where, if anywhere, would you shine right now?" For the last couple days, I actually haven't even had to ask this. Sweetie offers up for herself, "I'd be shining right here (points to her just-pinched thumb as she pulls it away from the offending door before too much injury occurs) if our pains lit up."

I told Sweetie how great I think this new way of thinking about pain really is, especially for her. I pointed out to her how, if that was the world we lived in, she could no longer pass off her dismissive "I'm great! I'm fine!" We'd be able to see quite plainly for ourselves just how true, or not, that statement really is by how much, and where, her body glows. I told her I think that's what I'm going to do from now on. No more asking her how she is. From now on, I'll ask her, "Are you shining anywhere? Where do you shine?"

Of late, I really do think Sweetie's doing pretty great. Her reduced dosage of her herbal supplements has done nothing to change her daily health for the worse. 1 month down, 2 more months to go. Hopefully she'll stay just as symptom-free as she's been until that next doctor appointment. Here's hoping.

But if ever she does have something to report - or I suspect she's not feeling all that well - at least I'll be able to know a little better what exactly it is that's got her feeling yucky. All I'll have to do is ask her that great new question - "where do you shine?"

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(*Book Club friends - As much as I recommend this book, please hold off on reading it now. It may very well be my next pick when it's my turn to choose again. I've said a lot about the premise here, but there's so much more to it too. It'll be a great read for us, I'm sure.)

Good Question

... But, as like with all good questions, I don't know the answer.

I just got home from taking Sweetie to her latest LLMD appointment. She's been on a Wormwood Combination supplement for the last several months. I can't even remember anymore. At least 4 or 5 months. Taking 1 pill in the morning and 2 pills at night.

Today, she graduated to a lower dosage. 1 pill in the morning and 1 pill at night.

Her doctor went on to say that, if this lower dosage goes well (meaning no returning Lyme symptoms), then, in 3 months time, she'll reduce it to only 1 pill in the morning. And that at only a month or so before taking her off completely (again, if she maintains her health with the still lowering dosages.)

Before we left, her doctor asked Sweetie if she had any questions, to which Sweetie said no. But then she and I in the car alone? She wondered...

"If I'm able to go down to 2 pills a day then 1 pill a day then no pills at all, and I feel okay, does that mean that the Lyme is gone?"

"Well,... hmmmm,... uhhhh,... I don't think so. I think it means that it's just well managed. The Lyme will always be there. We just figured out how to make you feel well anyway. Who knows? It may mean that you can be off any medicine most of the time, but that maybe once a year you feel pretty yucky and would have to take supplements again for a month or whatever. As an example. I'm just sayin. I don't know. But that would be a really great question for you to ask your doctor next time we see her. She would be able to answer yes or no, with a much better explanation than I'd ever be able to give you."

But! This is all putting the cart before the horse. We need to first see that reducing her daily dosage by 1 pill will suit her well, then move on from there if able.

When her doctor said we'd be doing this, I blurted out loud that this was "scary," to which she kind of gave me a confused look. I just meant scary/exciting because of the WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN factor. Maybe she'll be just fine, or maybe she'll get sick again, which concerns me. When Sweetie went off her antibiotics and onto supplements, she did, in fact, get sick again. At which point her supplement dosage was raised a bit, then her medication changed because of lack of availability of that supplement, and now here we are, doing well on the Wormwood at a specific dosage. To change that up, just a little bit, is a bit scary. I have it in my brain that, it seems, as long as she's on something - and at the right dosage - she's fine. To think about reducing, and ultimately taking supplements away all together - well, I just don't know how that will all go. Apparently, though, we will see soon enough.

Here's hoping that Sweetie will remain in good health and not fall back into any of her Lyme-y ways. Onward and upward is the name of the game.

Let's go!

There's "Something" About Us

So, over on the other side of the blogospere, I have this other little blog. It's called Sweetie & Me and it's all about, well, Sweetie & me. I started it, jeez, almost 8 years ago, mostly as a place to discuss my being a disabled mom (I have spina bifida) raising my healthy and active daughter. You see, there are very few - I mean really very few - resources out there for women with spina bifida wanting to have a normal pregnancy and child raising experience. At least that was the case back then. Unfortunately, that still seems to be pretty much true. I just wanted to be that one voice in the crowd that people could quietly hear and listen to, question and feel connected to, if they wished. So I started the blog and began to write.

But somewhere along the way - and not altogether that long after starting the blog, even - I just started writing about, you know, "stuff." Mom stuff, kid stuff, funny, poignant, infuriating, normal stuff. Which, of course, is all "normal" when it comes to being a parent. So, in essence, my blog pretty much became a parenting blog, - or, really, a Sweetie blog - more so than a disabled mom/healthy kid blog. Because, in my world - in my family's world - it's all normal. It's our normal. Things weren't happening or not because of my disability. Life was happening, all the time, no matter what my body could or could not easily do. It's just - life.

And so, these nearly 8 years later, I'm still checking in - though, granted, not as regularly as I'd like - to write about life. I'm still loving the writing and happy to have a place to share. But, no, I can't really claim that it continues to fit my original purpose for creating the blog in the first place.

Now, cut to Jan. 1st, 2013. A date I decided was going to be the start of "my year." I have been taking care of Sweetie and Hubby all these years, while quietly dealing with, downplaying and/or outright denying any physical issues I'd been experiencing over the years. Yeah, I hurt. Sure, I'm tired a lot. No, that's not the end of my "issues" list, if you want to know the truth. But it's nothing. No complaints here. Keep calm and carry on.

So - 2013. My year! This meaning lots of doctors appointments on my schedule. I've seen my GP, my neurologist, a dermatologist, the eye doctor and a physiatrist. I've had tests done, and have more on the schedule. I am getting all checked out! Time to admit I'm not feeling my absolute greatest and figure out what's going on and how to make it all better. Time to admit life isn't as "normal" as it once was for me. Things are harder to do. Things do hurt. Things just don't feel right.

Time to look at my other blog and see how little I've written about how I'm actually feeling and moving - topics that would fit oh so well into the original purpose of the blog - compared to how much I continue to write about Sweetie and all her "normal" shenanigans. Sweetie's funny and smart and great and interesting! Who cares about the comparatively minor inconveniences of my sore and tired slowing down body? No one! Not relevant!

Well, yes. Relevant. Completely. Duh.

And then there's the physiatrist appointment I just had. A physiatrist! I had never in my whole entire life heard of such a doctor, but now wonder why I have not had a physiatrist my whole entire life. A doctor who treats disability and pain resulting from injury or disease, especially related to spinal cord issues?! Dude! Where has this been all my life?!

The doctor himself I thought was, um, strange. Spastic, nervous, mild mannered. Odd. But also completely intelligent and intuitive - the guy knows his stuff, even if he's not very good at expressing it.

So what has he determined are my issues, causing my constant low back pain and a left thigh that goes numb after standing or walking on it for 5 minutes or so? Well, that would be bursitis in my hips, and arthritis in my back - more specifically, spinal stenosis.

Awesome.

And I've hardly ever mentioned any of these issues on my other blog. In passing, maybe, sure. But nothing that anyone would remember, I bet.

Not so good for a blog that's supposed to discuss my challenges as a disabled mom!

Obviously, I'm not a complainer. Or else I'd be writing about my issues all the time. But no one wants to hear that!

Leave it to this intuitive, strange doctor to tell, right away, that I'm not a complainer. How true, how true. I found myself telling him about the rest of my family, including how my daughter doesn't complain at all. I also had to admitted to hating this - it's not always a good thing to have a kid who doesn't complain, you know.

"She gets it from you," he said.

"Bu..." But she has something to really complain about!, I just about nearly said out loud.

Sweetie has Lyme, I wanted to say. She totally could complain. But she doesn't. But that's, probably, you know, because by all rights, she actually feels pretty good on most days. Huh. I guess she's okay.

Just think of that! I was all ready to say how much my daughter has every right in the world to complain a lot - a child who, yes, has Lyme, but really seems to have it pretty much under control for the most part. As opposed to me, who I feel comparatively has no right to complain... yet I have real aches and pains and fatigue and other assorted issues every single day.

I didn't tell him any of this. But, obviously, I've been thinking on this craziness ever since.

The reality of my falling a lot also came up with the physiatrist, as well. I, as always, tried to brush it off, laughing that I fall so much, I'm a professional. I fall so much, I know how to do it as safely as possible. "Yeah, but falling's not good!" he pointed out. Along with falls in general just not being good for me, he pointed out that I'm getting older too, so age, factored in to what I've already got going on, really makes the effects of falls challenging for me. I admitted, well, yes, I have found that it's harder for me to recover from falls these days. I can feel the soreness, for instance, the next day after a good fall, when before I could just get up, brush myself off, and forget all about it.

Could it be that simple acts like merely walking around are major accomplishments - or challenges - for me? Am I way worse off then I've ever believed myself to be? Sure, getting real answers to my aches and pains is, in one way, helpful, because now I can work on fixing them. But at the same time, I kind of now feel like I should have been doing things differently my whole life so that I wouldn't have wound up like this by now. I'm having a real conflict with the idea I've grown up with of, "well, nobody ever said I couldn't, so I'm at least going to try - I can do anything I set my mind to," and what I feel I need to consider now, being "you've really got some things going on with yourself, so maybe you need to think and take care more to live a more protected life."

I don't want to complain. There's no point in it, it doesn't change anything, and it just annoys anyone listening to it. Complaining isn't my style. But there is something to getting that sort of vindication. Being able to say, "See? I am in pain and there is a reason why."

But there's also something about now being made to feel like I'm "sick" or diagnostically limited in ways I wasn't just a mere few days ago. Before, I carried on through my pain. Now, I know what's causing the pain - what's physically happening in my body to create the pain - and I feel the need to take better care of myself. Which, you know, isn't such a bad thing. It's just - being more aware of my body and why it's feeling the way it is, and trying to take care that I don't do anything to make it too much worse too soon.

And then I think, again, of Sweetie. She, being the non-complainer that she is - like me. She, yelling an annoyed "I'm fine!" when I see her bump her head and instinctively ask, "Ooh! Are you okay?!" She, doing the same when she falls down a few of Grammy and Grampy's (carpeted) stairs. No matter what, always answering with an annoyed "I'm fine!" and an underscored tone of "Jeez! Leave me the heck alone!"

Wow. I think I get it.

Just like I am now feeling this low lying (and mostly self-inflicted) baseline of "something's wrong now. something needs to be more careful now. I am not who I was before, even if I feel like I am." Sweetie must feel the same. No matter how she's been actually feeling, as a general rule, over the past 2 years or so, ever since she's gotten a diagnosis of Lyme Disease, "something" has changed. About how she sees herself. About how others see her. And its no fun. Why can't things just be like they were before.

Vindicated. Validated. Listened to. That's how I feel now, in the end, for myself. Which feels pretty good - for me. But, yeah. I get it now for Sweetie. She just wants to be regular. Just wants to go back to normal. Just wants to be treated like a regular kid. Not always being asked how she's feeling. In fact, she's developed such an aversion to that, that she's developed a strong dislike to being asked how she is when any change occurs - health or bodily harm included. "I'm fine! (just leave me alone!)"

Yep. Message gotten. But still. Sorry, Sweetie. You are going to have to accept the fact that people care about you. Accept it when people are concerned for you and only want to make sure that you are feeling well and/or haven't hurt yourself while participating in any regular, "normal" Sweetie-style activity. Go! Be you! Have fun! Do every regular kid thing you set your heart on, because you are and you can.

Just be careful and accept a helping hand, a concerned person, a loving heart when offered.

You are loved, Little Girl. And we will never stop caring about how you are - Lyme Disease or not. We just want to make sure you stay as healthy and injury free as possible as you go about your regular days.

And, yeah. Maybe I'll start writing more about me over at Sweetie & Me to also show the world how I manage and get through my regular life with a few more added physical challenges than before.

The Daily Question...

...Asked twice a day.

Other than this question, you'd have no idea Sweetie was anything other than a healthy little girl.

And, by all rights, she is a healthy little girl. (Knock on wood) our whole family has not yet been felled by the dreaded flu this year. I'm still getting over a bad cold from more than a week ago - but both Hubby and Sweetie has managed to avoid it. She's only missed one day of school for illness this year (and, yes, that was a Lyme day). Sweetie is, by and large, one healthy kid.

One healthy kid that we ask twice a day, "Did you take your medicine?"

Before school in the morning or leaving for adventures on the weekends - "Did you take your medicine?"

Before bedtime every night - "Did you take your medicine?"

Every single day, twice a day, for the last 9 months or so - "Did you take your medicine?"

The medicines have changed some over those 9 months, but always the question remains - "Did you take your medicine?"

No matter how normal and healthy and average and regular my Sweetie seems - to us, to her, to everyone around her - we are oh so lucky to get this twice-daily reminder that, "well, yeah, she's only normal and healthy and average and regular because she takes her medicine as prescribed."

Take away her medicine, and we're back to the vomiting. Back to the threat of the "just cyclical vomiting" becoming something so much worse than "just cyclical vomiting."

And that's truly how it seems to me. As long as she's taking something for it, her illness stays away. Take the pills away, change it, lessen the dosage, whatever - and the Lyme is only so happy to show its ugly little head again.

Currently she's on the herbal supplement Wormwood Combination. This, after being on the herbal supplement Artemisia for a month or so. The switch came about because I only attempted to refill Sweetie's Artemisia once she took her last pill of it. Only her doctor's office - which is the only place around who had it - was closed that day. I had to get Sweetie something, though, so I went to the local health food store - a store run by a kindly older guy who's been managing his own Lyme disease for years now - to see if they carried Artemisia. Once I told the owner what I needed and why, he directed me to the Wormwood Combination, as they didn't carry the Artemisia. I bought it, and email Sweetie's doctor about this new supplement before giving Sweetie any. Turns out Sweetie's doctor was very pleased with the Wormwood purchase, and she advised me of the correct dosage for Sweetie. As it happens, the Artemisia I had planned to get at the doctor's that day was no longer being produced by that company the office used, so we were going to have to switch Sweetie to something else anyway. It all works out in the end.

So, now Sweetie's been on the Wormwood (1 pill in the morning, and 2 pills at night for her) for the last month or so, along with her ever-present Immune Boosting gummy (over the counter) we've had her take for a year or more now. And we've also reintroduced a Vitamin D3 capsule into her daily arsenal of health-boosting pills, as Sweetie's D3 levels were low when checked last March. She should have been on this continuously since then, but we ran out at one point and didn't have the funds to restock at the time - then forgot - and so it goes. Now we are restocked and on the right path again!

One supplement we have let slide, finally, is Sweetie's probiotic pill. We had a large supply of the probiotic left after Sweetie stopped taking the antibiotic. So she continued with it for at least a couple months after switching to the herbal supplements. But now the supply is gone and we, intentionally, haven't restocked. We figure we've done what we needed to do to keep her gut flora as healthy as could be while on the antibiotics, and for a time afterwards, and now she can be done with at least that portion of her daily regimen. It's been awhile now that she hasn't taken any probiotics and she's been well and feeling good. Thank goodness!

We continue to watch what she eats, but are nowhere near as vigilant as we probably should be. We do buy a gluten free bread for her school sandwiches. And if we notice she's already had a few "bad" snacks in a day (gluten/sugar), we may forbid her to have another. But for the most part, she eats what she wants and what she's given, which isn't so bad compared to the junk "most" kids eat, and she feels good. Or at least she claims to, as that's what Sweetie does. But, no. I believe her now. She feels "great" and I've seen no signs of her keeping secret any sickly feelings she may encounter. For the most part, she really is good.

Like I said, if it wasn't for that pesky little daily question we need to ask and she needs to deal with every day - "Did you take your medicine?" - you'd never know that anything's wrong with her at all.

Only 3 more months of this particular dosage of medicine and then... continued medicine, but we'll attempt a smaller daily dosage and see how she takes to that.

Keep taking your medicine, Sweetie, and you'll keep being the picture of health that you appear to be.

Be thankful for these supplements that keep you feeling as well as you do. I know I'm thankful for them every single day.

Decisions, Decisions

So, yes. As I ever so very side-note-ish-ly mentioned in my last post, Sweetie is back to her old ways.

At least that's how it appears. Based on one day. Well, one morning, actually. But I know these things, man. I'm tellin' ya.

How else would you explain that my dear darling Sweetie has been vomit-free since February - right before starting on long-term antibiotics for Lyme. Then, just 6 weeks after coming off the drugs, there it is again. No other symptoms. She feels much better shortly afterwards. Just throwing up. Just like before. Yeah - it's the Lyme.

Because of this, her Artemisia is now a double dose. One in the morning and one at night. We're hopeful that this will combat her symptoms. She has another doctor's appointment at the beginning of January, but I'm to call the doctor in the meantime if Sweetie vomits again. If so, we have some decisions to make. Go back on antibiotics? Probably. We'll see. Let's not assume right now that that's even a probability, m'kay? Time will tell.

And while I do appreciate those who are trying to help, I'm sorry, but I know my daughter and I know what we're dealing with. "Maybe it's just her system struggling with getting back to 'normal' after the antibiotics that made her throw up." Or "maybe she was overly excited about her 1st DI meeting of the year that day she threw up", which had her end up sick. Everyone seems to know someone, too, that "just throws up." Maybe it's not Lyme - it's just something Sweetie does. And the headaches she's experienced since too? Well, one time was probably due to exposure to loud noises, right?. Another time - well, she was probably hungry, I bet. And anyway, recent reports have shown that chronic Lyme really doesn't even exist - it's a new tick bite every time the symptoms reappear. Obviously I'm just a terrible parent for not noticing all the ticks crawling on and devouring my child every single day.

Okay, maybe no one has actually said that last one to me. But, yes, that's what I heard in my head when that article was brought up. You're daughter attracts ticks and you suck for not preventing it.

Like I said, I know everyone is just trying to be helpful and show me how maybe, just maybe, we're actually dealing with common, everyday kid stuff and not big scary Lyme. And I'll even grant you that teeny tiny minuscule possibility. But in reality? I know it's the Lyme, people. My daughter has Lyme and the way it presents in her is via her gastrointestinal system. She was sick, she was on meds and not sick, now she's on herbals and is sick again. Lyme.

Hopefully the upped dosage of the Artemisia will be the answer we need. Because if it comes down to the decision to put her on antibiotics again or have her throw up every 4-6 weeks... I don't know. I'm almost thisclose to wondering if having her be sick every once in awhile might not be an okay thing to deal with. I mean, seriously. Yes, she feels really yucky before and while she's throwing up. But shortly afterwards, every time, she's up and good and even great! Back to her old self. As is the case with all the days and weeks between each sick episode. She's fine, until she isn't for a few hours, then she's great again. What's wrong with just letting that be the way of things for her? In some ways, doesn't that beat out ravaging her system with long term doses of heavy drugs? Long term doses that may in fact "ruin her" for antibiotics in the future? I mean, what if she has strep throat or something at some point, but now she's unable to fight it with antibiotics because her system is so "used to" the medication, it doesn't recognize it as something that will fight other infections? All because we didn't want her to throw up every once in awhile but otherwise be good.

But, I know. The answer is to go back to antibiotics if we need to. If we don't - sure, she's "just" throwing up now. But, unmedicated, it can and most likely would get worse. Worse symptoms. Longer periods of feeling sick. Just not good in any way. Best to fight the smaller issues so that the bigger ones never take hold. And also, who's to say Lyme isn't effecting Sweetie other than her monthly throwing up? With the little amount of talking Sweetie does with us concerning how she's feeling, contradicted with the sickly way she sometimes looks (sometimes worse than other times), I know we've got to fight hard now with whatever ammunition available to us.

Then again - we also have to consider the smarts of our old friend Lyme. Yes, Lyme is smart. It recognizes when Lyme fighting meds are in the system and, in fact, shields itself and hides from the drugs. Not getting killed off from the drugs. Actually hiding and hanging out in the system until it's "safe" to come out again. And when that person is off the medication? Well, the Lyme recognizes this and comes out to play. Which seems to be our case here with Sweetie. The Lyme realized there was no more antibiotics in Sweetie's system, so it came back out and made her sick once again, just like it did before. So what if we put her back on antibiotics? Isn't the Lyme just going to realize this and hide again? I would think so.

The Artemisia is a great herbal remedy for Lyme, as I've been told. It actually recognizes that the Lyme shields itself and cuts through that shield to kill the bacteria. So, yes. By all rights, as long as Sweetie has the right dosage of Artemisia in her system, one would think that it would effectively take care of the Lyme for her.

Then again, we are also assuming that Sweetie is dealing only with Lyme and not any of the co-infections. Or maybe her doctor is considering co-infections as well and knows that the Artemisia is the proper supplement to take care of whatever tick borne diseases we're dealing with. I am not an Artemisia expert by any stretch of the imagination but I know Sweetie's doc is a fantastic Lyme Literate source. Listening to and trusting her is really the best thing we can do for Sweetie right now.

I suppose I also haven't considered that maybe, if the Artemisia still proves ineffective, there's yet another herbal remedy we can turn to next instead of heading straight back to the antibiotics. Again, this is something to talk about with Sweetie's doctor, if need be.

For now, I suppose all we do is wait. If this is the Lyme talking to us, then Sweetie is "due" to be sick again anytime between 2 - 4 weeks from now. Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas to her!

Fun times ahead, indeed.

YOU Are Not Your Self

I wrote the following post earlier today for my other blog, but thought it would be appropriate to post here as well. It's something Sweetie said... see if you can find out what I'm referring to. It shouldn't be that difficult. Shall I say, I just found it very interesting to hear what she thinks of when she thinks about herself.

(Oh, and BTW - latest LLMD appointment had last week. Bumped up Artemisia dosage by 100% because - guess what?! A couple Fridays ago Sweetie was sick again! Throwing up. No other symptoms - just vomiting. Awesome. Just like old times. Here we go again...)

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"Sweetie, do you want to get dressed up and wear a dress or skirt because it's Thanksgiving? Or do you just want to wear regular jeans and a shirt?"

"I don't care. You choose."

I picked out a cute "dressed up" outfit, complete with coordinating shirt and skirt and pretty blue leggings. She got many compliments and, I think, felt good about how she looked.

But, honestly? She really doesn't care about things like clothes. Dress her up - she's happy. Dress her down - she's happy. S'all good.

Which, you know, is good!

Apparently, though, she also doesn't care about presenting herself appropriately when she is dressed up.

- "It's not 'dress-up' day, Sweetie."

- "Sweetie! Sit like a lady!"

- "Sweetie! Is that how you're supposed to sit on the couch when you're wearing a skirt?"

It seems like we were constantly reminding her to sit like the young lady she is. Her response?

"I'm not a lady! I'm a half tomboy."

At the end of our visit with Grammy and Grampy, when just we 3 and Grammy and Grampy were left, this whole subject exploded into a full-out discussion where the following points were discussed:

* Grammy used to be a tomboy.

* Arguments from Sweetie that "this" half of her (the right half, for instance) was a tomboy (and therefore 'allowed' to be messy) and the other half of her was girl.

* Just because you don't like certain things that girly girls typically like, and you do like certain things that boys typically like, doesn't mean you are or aren't a girly girl or a tomboy.

* What's wrong with being a girl anyway? Girls can do anything!

* No matter what you say about yourself, you still have to be decent and present yourself appropriately.

* Why does it matter so much to Sweetie to define herself as a tomboy anyway?

Afterwards... I don't know. At least she sat up. I think. It was a long day, and it was time for us to move on to the next Turkey Day Celebration.

On the way over to my parents', well... I'm sorry, but I couldn't let it go. I had to ask - "Why do you think it's so important to define who you are, Sweetie? For a DI kid, I sure am surprised you don't know by now that you are so much more than "just" a tomboy who happens to like some girlie things as well." (thus the "half tomboy" label) "What are some other things you could say about you?"

"I'm a girl who likes to play Legos who has Lyme Disease."

"Ooookaaayyy." (Daddy chimes in) "Yes, that's true. But that doesn't define who you are! You are creative and smart and fun and funny and crafty and in DI and..."

"Most ladies love to shop. But I hate shopping! Most women, you could say, love chocolate. I could take it or leave it. Most ladies loooovvvve shoes. I don't care at all about shoes! But I wouldn't say I'm a tomboy either. I'm me, and that's great! Celebrate who you are, Sweetie! Don't limit yourself with labels and definitions. Be YOU! Be Sweetie!"

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In prepping for writing this post, I Googled quotes on defining oneself and being true to yourself. And I was surprised to see just as many quotes advising people TO define themselves as opposed to NOT defining/labeling themselves. And I suppose I see "the definers" point as well. Many of these quotable people were suggesting that one should define himself rather than be defined by society or what others think. When put like that - yes, agreed.

I also read that to give the advice "Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to some people. I agree, it is rather half-hearted and vague advice. Just thinking back to high school yearbook signing... harkens of "never change" and "stay you." I mean, what did we mean by this? Nothing. It was just something to write that "sounded good." I think better advice might be to be the best version of yourself you can be. That way you are always reaching, always striving, always allowing for change and growth. Whereas to "be yourself," in its own way, is somewhat limiting and doesn't necessarily require you to grow into yourself - you're already there.

So, no, Sweetie. Daddy and I are not telling you to "be yourself." But we are challenging you to discover, appreciate and love being YOU! YOU are still growing, learning, experimenting, dreaming, creating. YOU are still working on your self, as all kids are. As all people should be, no matter their age. Your self is an ever-changing being, lead by your passions and interests, environment and beliefs, and more. Your self is someone YOU can and should always be working on to master...without ever actually mastering, as no human is ever perfect. YOU are full of knowledge and challenges, light and dark, creativity and questions, and so on. You be YOU! And don't let your self or anyone else ever tell you you can't be!

"Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!" - Dr. Seuss

Relative Greatness

So, before writing this, I checked back on my other posts here, just to make sure I'd not be repeating myself too badly.

And what did I find? That, um, yeah. This blog should pretty much change its name to "This GREAT Life." As in, Sweetie's always saying she's great, even though I don't believe that to be true as much as she claims. And also that it is my and Hubby's and maybe a few other random people's humble opinion that she is not the healthiest looking child. And, yes, I tell you about all this all the freakin' time.

Yet, here I am. About to do it again.

Take, for instance, Sweetie's 4th grade school picture that we just got a few weeks ago. Yes, she is smiling a way-forced/too big smile, which makes her look just silly. But beyond that, well... let's just say that the picture literally makes Hubby angry. He won't look at it again. He says it makes her look sickly and pale and just not "Sweetie." And... I agree. There's something about it - the way they had her torque her neck, or something - that makes her look old. Like, winkled-neck old, smiling-too-big-wrinkled-face old. And pale. And thin (yes, she's thin - always has been. But here she looks decidedly thinner). And weak. And, yes, sickly. Just not our Sweetie.

But beyond looking sickly? Eh. As usual, she's "great." And, in some ways, I agree. I mean, we're into November already and she's not yet missed 1 day of school. She's had a couple very minor colds, but nothing to keep her down. For all intents and purposes, she has, in fact, been great. Yippee!

But... I don't know. Is it a legitimate complaint to say my daughter is "only" sick-looking, and therefore sick? Therefore, something is still not right? Something still needs to be found and dealt with and fixed? Is she throwing up? No. Fevers? No. Fatigue? Eh - not that I have really noticed. Soreness? Again, not that I'm aware. I should be happy! But, really. She doesn't look right! Fix her!

In terms of how Sweetie is actually feeling, aside from the "great"s, I only get very brief glimpses into how she is.

She complains that she really wants/needs to have Halloween candy as part of her lunch because, before Halloween, turns out she was "always" tired at school. But ever since she'd been getting some Halloween candy, it wakes her up and helps her focus (or, such is her argument.)

She rides her bike 3 or 4 laps around our small cul-de-sac, but then takes a small rest because she says, matter of factly, that her arms are a bit sore.

We go to the cast party for the Oliver! production that she was just in, and she sits behind me, in the corner of the room, not out playing and socializing with the other kids. She says she's bored. I wonder if she's just not feeling up to playing (the party took place at the Boys & Girls Club where she goes after school everyday. She's very familiar with this place, is my point, and has made at least 1 pretty good friend while in the cast. Why not play with her? Why not go play Legos with anyone?! Get out there!)

This girl. She just has me in a constant state of wonder.

It's enough to make me consider stopping her over-the-counter immune-boosting gummies we've been having her take for almost a year now. Like, is there something there, just below the surface, that's not too bad, but yet is kinda screaming to get out? If she stops the gummies and allows her body to experience the sickness, to get it out, wouldn't that be a good thing? Who knows. (And who's to say those store bought gummies are truly doing anything much to cure/surpress any lingering illnesses anyway.)

I know. I know. I should be thanking my lucky stars that I don't have a complainer. Well, yeah, I kinda do. She can and does complain, and whine, about a good many things, actually. But how she's feeling is never one of them, ever.

Last Friday I thought I had an ingenious idea. I made "emoti-magnets." That is, smiley faces, about 15 - 20 of them, that express a whole range of emotions. Happy, sad, scared, sleepy, excited, angry, proud, etc... I thought these would be a fantastic way for Sweetie to show us what she's feeling, if she's not going to tell us. And - yes! She loves them and is more than happy, so far, to single out an emotion or two each day to represent what she's feeling. Yay!

But... we're finding that A) there aren't always the "right" emoti-magnets to represent how we're feeling (we all try to use them each day.) And, B) these are pretty much strictly feelings. Not health related. Although there are Sleepy, Tired, and Sick options. But nothing for, say, specifically a headache. Or an upset stomach. I noted that I would try to find some like these, but Sweetie says no. The "Sick" option is good enough for all those things. Fine, whatever. We'll see if she uses it, anyway. So far it's just been a weekend of Excited and Happy, what with her Oliver! show. Then a bit of Sad when the shows were done.

Another thing I wonder about is how much to heart Sweetie has taken something I said rather off the cuff several years ago. I think, at the time, I wrote about this on my other blog. But not sure I've ever mentioned it here yet...

It must have been school shopping for 1st grade. She and I were at the mall with Grammy, and Sweetie was complaining that she was tired of walking. She was very whiney. She didn't want to walk anymore. She said her feet hurt. Wah, wah, wah.

Finally, I had had enough of it. I bent down to her level and I let her know quite simply that she needed to stop with this. I told her that if anyone had a right to complain about all the walking, it was me. My back hurt and I didn't want to do it either - but I'm not complaining. You, I told her, have no right to complain at all!

And then - she didn't complain again.

Simple enough. But I wonder if my words stuck, even after all this time. I know that sounds pretty ridiculous, on one hand. But on another, I do know for a fact that way back in Kindergarten Sweetie made up a huge lie of a story about something that happened one particular day at school. And when I found out that it was all a lie, I got mad. Really mad. She was angrily sent to her room and told to think about what she'd done. To this day, I know my Sweetie hates lies. She won't tell them and doesn't like to hear that others have. And if I were to ask her if she remembers that day back in kindergarten when she got in so much trouble for lying, I have no doubt in my mind that she would not only instantly remember, but she would also get upset about it and mad at me for making her recall such a bad memory.

My point - Sweetie remembers these types of things. Perhaps my stern words saying "you don't have the right to complain about how you feel - I do, and I don't" have stuck with her all this time. She knows I'm in pain everyday. So, to her, she's "still" got no right to say what's going on with her.

I don't know. That seems like a stretch, and rather complex for her young age. But, then again, knowing my Sweetie and how much concern she seems to have for me (if I fall down, she's always very concerned to find out if I'm okay), it really wouldn't surprise me at all to find out that she's holding back with her own stuff because she doesn't want me to suffer for myself AND find out that she's not well too. Just like I told her to do - keep it in. Don't say one more word.

I can't tell you how many times Hubby and I both have told her over the last year or so that she needs to tell us how she's feeling other than great. We've tried to arrange for her to give us a code if she's not well - that got way too complicated. We've tried to tell her that it's okay to say she's great if someone asks her how she is, but if we ask her how she's feeling, she's got to say something different, even if similar (which is what she usually went for.) We've tried to ban the word "great" from her vocabulary entirely - she just looks for synomyms. We've told her that it is in no way a sign of weakness to admit to feeling anything other than great. We've told her it's actually a good thing, sometimes, if she's not feeling well because that means her body is fighting the Lyme. We've tried to initiate a journal between she and I where she can write to me how she's feeling - she just writes me silly, non-related notes or draws me pictures, if anything at all. We've tried so many things. And still, she remains "great."

Which, you know. Is kind of great. And I'm sure, to her, she is just that. She won't lie.

I just can't shake this sneaking suspicion that her "great" is a rather "meh" feeling in actuality. That Lyme has been with her so long that she only accepts how she regularly feels now as "great," when, in actuality, she could feel so, so much more greater than that.

If only we knew for sure what her true starting point was/is. We could work so much more effectively to get her back to true greatness.

The Dance

We're done, we're done!!!

(ahem)

I mean, she's done, she's done!!!

Her latest doctor's appointment ended with the decision for Sweetie to come off the antibiotics now. Now? Now. Right now? Right now. Done. No more antibiotics.

Okay, then. Yay!

But now what?

On to the herbal supplement! In Sweetie's case, that means Artemisia. A supplement that's excellent in the fight against, of all things, malaria. But the doctor said that malaria and Lyme have one important thing in common. Both, as I understand it, develop cell walls around themselves, hiding themselves against antibiotics. But the Artemisia can get through. The Artemisia is out to kill!

Kill, baby, kill!

On her new regimen, Sweetie need only take one Artemisia pill at bedtime, and her probiotics are cut to once a day as well. Better yet, the Artemisia and the probiotics don't interfere with each other as the probiotics and antibiotics did. She doesn't have to worry about spacing out these 2 products for maximum effectiveness. Yee haw! This just keeps getting better and better!

In actual application, though? A pill is a pill is a pill is a pill. I still make sure Sweetie takes her immune support gummy bear every morning. We still make sure she takes her probiotic at dinner time, along with another gummy. And we still have her take another pill at bedtime - the Artemisia. So really - same song, different notes.

And then, really... after all the excitement settled down, (yay! you made it through the antibiotics stage!) we really had to realize what the doctor's truly getting at here. The actual situation shows that she's not pulling Sweetie off the antibiotics because Sweetie really is "done" with them. No, it's more like she's pulling Sweetie off the antibiotics because Sweetie's body is telling us that her body is done with the antibiotics. Sweetie's body is revolting after 6 months. It can't take it anymore! Headaches and tummy troubles and nausea, oh my! It's time to give that body a bit of a break and try to fight with a new weapon. That is all.

Throw in my own little post-appointment Google search of what exactly Artemisia is... and I get nowhere near a sense of finality of my Sweetie's troubles. Turns out that Artemisia, yes, is excellent for fighting malaria. Aannndddd.... maybe not exactly Lyme so much as Babesia, a co-infection of Lyme.

Awesome. So now it may be that Sweetie doesn't only have Lyme Disease, but - given that she's kind of stagnating - she may in fact have this co-infection as well. Or another one! Let's try the Artemisia and see what happens!

(No, I'm not picking on her doctor. I'm just back to playing the roll of the frustrated mom who's trying to figure out, along with the doctor, what's going on with Sweetie. But at least this time I actually am confident in her doctor that, one way or another, we'll all figure it out. At least in time.)

So here we are, with Sweetie now on the herbal supplement for a week now. And I'm waiting. Waiting for the big Herx. The doctor said that, with the switch to the supplement, Sweetie may experience a strong Herx reaction. Alrighty, then! Bring it on!

And still we wait.

So far so good. No problems! Her belly feels good. No headaches. All is well. We've even taken to the habit of asking her nightly if she's still remembering what "art" is (artemisia. Art amnesia. Heh. We're funny.) Happy to report that, all things considered, this has so far been one smooth transition.

But, oh ho ho! Is no reaction, in fact, actually a good thing here? Just like when she started on antibiotics, shouldn't she have to experience a Herx reaction to show that something's working here? To prove that the supplement is killing what needs to be killed? Hmmm....

And so... On to the next phase, if for no other reason than Sweetie's body demands it. It will be good and interesting to see what positive changes come about from no more antibiotics coursing through her body. And we wait to see what, if anything, happens to her while on the Artemisia. Will anything happen? What if it doesn't? It means no Babesia, right? Probably? Maybe? I don't know. But if not that, what? How do you ever know, with Lyme or any of the co-infections, when you've got it licked? Is it ever licked?

I will say, upon lamenting to the doctor that I too felt Sweetie was "done" being on antibiotics and that I felt only the worst cases of Lyme were on meds for 6 months or so, she said "no." She has patients who have been on antibiotics for 3 years! So 6 months is really not bad.

Not so bad. Not so good. One step forward, two steps back. Two steps forward, one step back. The dance goes on.

Same Ol' Situation

Oops. It's been a long time since I wrote. I apologize. Truly, I do.

Since last we spoke...

Sweetie had that doctor's appointment I spoke of in my last post. And, just as I suspected would happen, she prescribed that Sweetie stay on the antibiotics "another 6 weeks... at least" because of the August tick possibly-a-bite-maybe-it-wasn't-we-don't-know incident. Yay. Yes, I knew that was going to be what she'd say. But, no, I'm not thrilled to have my daughter still on this medication. Now into a 6th month. Joy.

We go back in early October to see how we progress from there. To tell you the truth, I honestly don't know what I hope for anymore with this.

On the one hand - yes, once upon a time Sweetie was bit by a tick, resulting in Lyme Disease. She was treated. Perhaps not long enough? Perhaps not effectively enough in the dosage? Perhaps both? But, at the time, she felt better. Great! All better.

Then, after a few months off the antibiotics, she began to become ill. Vomiting. Approximately once a month or so. Not much else to it. Just vomiting. After which, she felt pretty much better within a few hours. Back to herself. Ooookkaaaayyyy. And then the next month would come around with the same thing. Weird. Not right. Not entirely detrimental to the way she lived the rest of her days. But a weird, regular blip in her everyday lifestyle that had to mean something was not as it should be. Seriously.

Cut to us finally getting her on board with a Lyme literate doctor, getting proper testing done, and some properly dosed long term antibiotics in her system, and... she's good. No more vomiting. That's the biggest, most noticeable difference. But, honestly, she'd stopped vomiting after a February incident. I believe we started going to her new doctor in late March. Not starting the meds, I think, until April. So it could be that we started the meds just timely enough to catch what would have been another sick day. Who knows. But at any rate, there's no more vomiting. Beyond that, it's really hard to pinpoint many specifics about Sweetie being "just not right." Other than her tired, pale look. But, you know, she's growing up. Her looks are changing anyway. Maybe she's entering an awkward stage in her development where she's not as little-girl-cute as she used to be and we're mistaking her "developing" look as a "sick" look. I don't know. I know I was no cutie pie in my tween years. It's pretty subjective, is what I'm saying. But the vomiting - yes, she was definitely doing that.

And then one day in early summer she just turned "on." I mean, the chatterbox came back. The giggling, play wrestling, can't-sit-still ball of energy girl came back. "Oh," we said. "This is how she used to be. Yay! We have our Sweetie back!" But, seriously, until we saw her "come back," we really didn't notice that she'd ever been gone. It's not like before this she'd been overly sleepy. Or complaining that she was too tired to do this or that. She just was doing more calm things. Playing Legos. Doing crafts. Watching TV. But those have always been the types of things she likes best to do anyway. We just didn't think anything of the way she'd been quietly behaving. Great! She's a good, well-behaved, peaceful little girl. Just the way we it.

But the energy, it did come back. Yes, she still loves Legos and crafting and watching TV. But just in the way she communicates, laughs, and moves. She's just "more" now. And that's a great thing.

All this to say... 6 months on antibiotics. Possibly more. That just seems a little extreme to me for a girl who's "only" real obvious issue was cyclical vomiting. I mean, I've read the horror stories. Lyme patients in bed for weeks - months! So tired that even getting up to go to the bathroom is a majorly exhausting event that sends them right back to bed for another several hours. People so sore that they can't even blink without feeling the effects. These are the people that are on 6 months or more worth of treatment. These are the people - the very worst cases - that can find no other relief but to stay on antibiotics for month after month after month. But Sweetie? All she was doing was throwing up! She was a bit pale and a bit tired looking, but not really tired acting. Surely she'd be all good after, at most, 3 or 4 months of treatment. This 6 months stuff - well, it's just gone on too long, hasn't it?!

Of course, I do have a child who tells anyone who ever asks her, at any moment, that she's "great!" A child who does not, will not, admit to any ailments of any type. She had swimmer's ear a few weeks ago. I've had swimmer's ear! It HURTS! I mean, it really, really hurts! But Sweetie? She'd tell us once a day, at first, then a few more times a day over the course of almost a week, "Ow! My ear hurts." But then the pain at that exact moment would pass and she'd be back to good. And, given that she's on antibiotics, we figured that of course she can't possibly have an ear infection! It took us days, is what I'm saying, and a particularly bad instance of middle-of-the-night ear pain to finally realize that, well, she could have swimmer's ear. Duh! And then, just last weekend, she sounded a bit stuffy. But when I asked her about it, she said she wasn't. Her nose was just a bit runny, that's all, she said. By that evening, though, after seeing her blow her nose several times, I offered her some cold medicine before she went to bed. "No! Why would I need medicine?" - "Because you're sick." - "I'm not sick! I just have a runny nose and a headache." Okaaaayyy... 

So, you see... This is what we live with. I feel like I can never give her doctor an honest answer for how Sweetie's been, because Sweetie never tells me. And if you ask Sweetie directly, you're just told that "I'm great!" Maybe she has been suffering more greatly than we know! But, sure as shooting, she plugs away at life to the best of her ability and no way no how will you ever see her "sweat."

In fact, the closest I've gotten recently to knowing of real health issues with her is when Sweetie nearly broke down in tears in my car on the way to a sleepover at her Nana's. She started by saying she doesn't know why she doesn't ever like to tell anyone she doesn't feel well. She just doesn't. But, as she would be away from home overnight, she was a bit concerned for herself and her belly. Turns out, 6 months on antibiotics will make your intestines act in undesirable ways. And she was just afraid of how she'd be feeling overnight and what extra items she may need that she'd not packed for herself. (In the end, this was the night of the terrible middle-of-the-night earache. Her belly was fine. But Nana and Sweetie spent a good couple hours, at least, up in the wee hours trying to bring the ear pain down.)

So, there's that. I'm now able to keep track of how her belly's feeling.... if I ask. Cuz' lord know's she'd not saying anything more. At least she's answering my questions. Or, I should say, she gives me the "thumbs up" or some alternative gesture depending on how things are going on any particular day.

But on the other hand (remember? We had the first hand waaaay up above) I really don't know. She still looks tired to me. Still with the paleness and dark eyes. But not all the time. Yeah, I think her energy is still up, but I don't know. Like I said, she still likes to play Legos and do crafts - calm activities - whether energetic or not. And - 6 months on antibiotics! I know about Lyme! It hides. It gets "used to" an antibiotic. It "goes away"/shields itself for the duration of a course of medication. Then, when that's done, it comes back out to party. So, while I find 6+ months extreme for the relatively minor symptoms Sweetie was displaying, I have no clue at all if we've "got it." If she's "cured." If she'll ever be cured. I just. don't. know.

But, we go back. We see the doctor again. She advises what she thinks is the best next step for Sweetie. We wait and see what we're going to do.

For now, it's all the same as it's ever been. We're in such a routine now that I tell you, when she is off the antibiotics, I think we'll all feel like something is missing from our lives.

I'd just love, love, love if I could say with any certainty at all that the thing that's missing is Lyme.

Tick Magnet

I admit it. I am a woman of extremes. Especially emotionally speaking. I am either completely at peace, totally in a "go with the flow" attitude. Or - I am completely freaking out, worried about everything, thinking the world is surely going to come to an end over such and such issue.

As you can imagine, I prefer to stay in the peaceful frame of mind as much as I possibly can. This can be tricky at times, but I do do my best to remain "chill" about as much as I can.

When it comes to ticks and Lyme Disease - woo, boy! Is that ever a topic of great extremes for me! Given all I've learned about Lyme over the last year - let me tell you, I have a whole arsenal of information to scare the living daylights out of anyone! Lyme can be a very scary thing. And here we have Sweetie, diagnosed with Chronic Lyme Disease. Awesome. Let the freaking out begin - and not let up.

Except, as pointed out in my last post, it does let up. Get your kid with the right doctor, on the right medicine for the right length of time, and you start to see improvement. All seems pretty well again, pretty much of the time.

And honestly... as far as tick checking goes... even someone like me gets a little lazy. Things are on an upswing! I can tell she's feeling better (even though my kid rarely admits the opposite.) And besides - she's 9 1/2 years old! She is completely capable of checking for ticks herself! We remind her to do so... every once in awhile. Uh... when we think about it. Probably not enough. Yeah, definitely not enough. And I do check her out too! I do! Just not constantly. When I think about it. Which, really, it's kind of a really great relief for me to NOT be thinking about ticks and Lyme as much as I was, say, in the Spring.

Besides - if she were to get bit again by a tick, now is pretty much the optimal time for that, seeing as how she's on longterm antibiotics anyway. She couldn't possibly get reinfected with Lyme now, while being actively treated for it! Right?!

And also? Sweetie tends to spend most of her time inside.

No, it's really not a good thing. Kids should be outside, right? But I am, in a way, pretty grateful that Sweetie tends to be what I'd call an "indoor kid." Wanting more to stay inside and play with her Legos or stuffed animals, or watch a few episodes of Rocky and Bullwinkle & Friends from our DVD collection. She does crafts, draws out entire plans for new websites she wants to create, works on jigsaw puzzles, plays on the computer or on her DS. She keeps herself busy, rarely complaining of boredom.

It all works out pretty well for me, as I'm not what I'd call an "outdoor mom." I'll read, write, watch TV, get chores done, play on the computer, cross stitch, work on puzzles... that sort of thing. It's too hot or too cold outside, depending on the season, for me. I'll stay in the house, thank you very much.

So, the two of us, we get on pretty well together. During this summer when I have occasional days off from work each week, she and I do okay together. Well, apart/together lots of the time, doing whatever it is we desire inside the cool, comfy house.

But then there are days like yesterday where we, along with Daddy, spend a full day doing outdoor types of things. Yesterday, it was geocaching. Most Daddy involved activities, in fact, are centered around geocaching - a completely outdoor, mostly woods-based activity. And so there we were yesterday, from 8 a.m. until 4 p.m., trekking around the area's wooded areas, involved in various International Geocaching Day events.

By the time we made it home, after stopping for some necessary grocery shopping, we were all beat. Sweetie had definitely had the most "exciting" day out of the 3 of us, complete with a dramatic splat into a large, slippery puddle on patio slate tiles. Impressive that, 4 bandaids and soaking wet clothes later, she still wanted to tough it out and stay for the ending event's gathering.

So we're home, groceries unpacked, Daddy in the shower while Sweetie and I settled in to read for a bit. When Sweetie, distracted from her book (as much as I hate to admit it, she is decidedly not the reader - as both Hubby and I are), sticks her fist in my face and demands to know, "What's that? Is that a tick?! I can't get it off."

At first, no, I didn't think it was anything more than a teeny, tiny speck of dirt. No surprise there, given the conditions of the day and the conditions of Sweetie's puddle tumble. I tried to swipe it away, but it didn't budge. I looked closer. Well... maybe? Sweetie went to get tweezers and I asked her to bring me the magnifying glass too. With tools in hand, I successfully got it off her, easily. I placed it on my own back of the hand (yeah - I know - not the smartest move, Sherlock) and finally took as close a look at this mysterious speck as I could with the magnifier. Yep. It was almost undetectable, but this thing was moving, slowly but surely. And, yep, there I could see it's teeny, tiny legs.

This, my friends, was a tick.

Using the tweezers, I got it off me and squooshed it to death, finally rinsing it down the drain. When Hubby came out of the bathroom, I let him know what we'd found. It was on the back of Sweetie's hand. I didn't think it had bitten her. Hubby agreed, imagining that it was still on it's journey to a warm, dark body party where it could feed, when we found it and snatched it up.

After this, I did a thorough check of Sweetie, and Hubby and I looked over ourselves as best we could too. But even so, this whole experience brought up and reinstated some really deep concerns for me.

1) This particular tick was TINY! So even with regular tick checks - had we been doing them all along and even last night's actual check - it is HIGHLY probable that a tick or 2 or 3 or 90! could have been missed. Especially in hair. I can check all I want. I could be the best tick checker ever! I may find one. But it seems to me that, even so, I will inevitably miss several.

2) Sweetie actually is the one who found this tick on her. I wasn't doing a tick check on her. I probably wouldn't have done a tick check on her last night. Too tired from the day. Just don't think about it. Her fall injuries had been properly cleaned and bandaged, and she's not yet at an age where she needs to take a bath everyday. So even without a tick check, as a general rule she's not washing daily to rinse away what we don't see.

3) Sweetie found the last tick we saw on her too - not us. We thought that last tick was the tick that set her world upside down (and she had been inside all that day - by the way.) But from what we've learned from her doctor and the testing, it was most likely a tick previous to that one that bit her and gave her the Lyme. What is it with ticks and Sweetie?! As far as I know, I've never been bit by a tick. Hubby, who is regularly out in the woods, geocaching, more than any of us, has just been bitten the one time at the end of May. But Sweetie now has had at least 3 incidents of ticks on her. Granted, this one last night was not a bite. But still... had she not found it on herself, it would have crawled somewhere and dug right in!

And now, here we are, about a week away from finishing Sweetie's 5 month course of antibiotics. We go see her doctor on Tuesday. Of course, I'm going to let her know about this latest incident. I just hope this turn of events doesn't mean Sweetie's in it for another 28 days of meds before she moves on to the next stage in her treatment program.

It is what it is, and it has to be what it has to be. But she's been doing so well and I want to see her move on to the next stage. I'm hoping our little Tick Magnet has not just set her treatment back to more of the same old thing.

And it's not like keeping her inside can save her from the ticks!

And it's not like doing regular tick checks will ensure we find ticks anyway!

And - furthermore - when Sweetie is feeling unwell, like she was on Friday (sore throat, mild fever, general ickiness) - we can never be certain, it seems to me, that this is a "Lyme-based illness" or a "real" illness (meaning contagious. Actually the flu, for instance.) (I am not in the least insinuating that symptoms of Lyme Disease are not "real.")

Aannnndddd.... School's about to start again. Yippee! Bring on the sicknesses! Is it a cold? Is it the flu? Or is it Lyme? Who knows?! Whee!

Aaannnndddd.... here I go with the swing up to my "freaking out" mode.

Yippee, yippee, skippy.