YOU Are Not Your Self

I wrote the following post earlier today for my other blog, but thought it would be appropriate to post here as well. It's something Sweetie said... see if you can find out what I'm referring to. It shouldn't be that difficult. Shall I say, I just found it very interesting to hear what she thinks of when she thinks about herself.

(Oh, and BTW - latest LLMD appointment had last week. Bumped up Artemisia dosage by 100% because - guess what?! A couple Fridays ago Sweetie was sick again! Throwing up. No other symptoms - just vomiting. Awesome. Just like old times. Here we go again...)

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"Sweetie, do you want to get dressed up and wear a dress or skirt because it's Thanksgiving? Or do you just want to wear regular jeans and a shirt?"

"I don't care. You choose."

I picked out a cute "dressed up" outfit, complete with coordinating shirt and skirt and pretty blue leggings. She got many compliments and, I think, felt good about how she looked.

But, honestly? She really doesn't care about things like clothes. Dress her up - she's happy. Dress her down - she's happy. S'all good.

Which, you know, is good!

Apparently, though, she also doesn't care about presenting herself appropriately when she is dressed up.

- "It's not 'dress-up' day, Sweetie."

- "Sweetie! Sit like a lady!"

- "Sweetie! Is that how you're supposed to sit on the couch when you're wearing a skirt?"

It seems like we were constantly reminding her to sit like the young lady she is. Her response?

"I'm not a lady! I'm a half tomboy."

At the end of our visit with Grammy and Grampy, when just we 3 and Grammy and Grampy were left, this whole subject exploded into a full-out discussion where the following points were discussed:

* Grammy used to be a tomboy.

* Arguments from Sweetie that "this" half of her (the right half, for instance) was a tomboy (and therefore 'allowed' to be messy) and the other half of her was girl.

* Just because you don't like certain things that girly girls typically like, and you do like certain things that boys typically like, doesn't mean you are or aren't a girly girl or a tomboy.

* What's wrong with being a girl anyway? Girls can do anything!

* No matter what you say about yourself, you still have to be decent and present yourself appropriately.

* Why does it matter so much to Sweetie to define herself as a tomboy anyway?

Afterwards... I don't know. At least she sat up. I think. It was a long day, and it was time for us to move on to the next Turkey Day Celebration.

On the way over to my parents', well... I'm sorry, but I couldn't let it go. I had to ask - "Why do you think it's so important to define who you are, Sweetie? For a DI kid, I sure am surprised you don't know by now that you are so much more than "just" a tomboy who happens to like some girlie things as well." (thus the "half tomboy" label) "What are some other things you could say about you?"

"I'm a girl who likes to play Legos who has Lyme Disease."

"Ooookaaayyy." (Daddy chimes in) "Yes, that's true. But that doesn't define who you are! You are creative and smart and fun and funny and crafty and in DI and..."

"Most ladies love to shop. But I hate shopping! Most women, you could say, love chocolate. I could take it or leave it. Most ladies loooovvvve shoes. I don't care at all about shoes! But I wouldn't say I'm a tomboy either. I'm me, and that's great! Celebrate who you are, Sweetie! Don't limit yourself with labels and definitions. Be YOU! Be Sweetie!"

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In prepping for writing this post, I Googled quotes on defining oneself and being true to yourself. And I was surprised to see just as many quotes advising people TO define themselves as opposed to NOT defining/labeling themselves. And I suppose I see "the definers" point as well. Many of these quotable people were suggesting that one should define himself rather than be defined by society or what others think. When put like that - yes, agreed.

I also read that to give the advice "Be Yourself" is about the worst advice you can give to some people. I agree, it is rather half-hearted and vague advice. Just thinking back to high school yearbook signing... harkens of "never change" and "stay you." I mean, what did we mean by this? Nothing. It was just something to write that "sounded good." I think better advice might be to be the best version of yourself you can be. That way you are always reaching, always striving, always allowing for change and growth. Whereas to "be yourself," in its own way, is somewhat limiting and doesn't necessarily require you to grow into yourself - you're already there.

So, no, Sweetie. Daddy and I are not telling you to "be yourself." But we are challenging you to discover, appreciate and love being YOU! YOU are still growing, learning, experimenting, dreaming, creating. YOU are still working on your self, as all kids are. As all people should be, no matter their age. Your self is an ever-changing being, lead by your passions and interests, environment and beliefs, and more. Your self is someone YOU can and should always be working on to master...without ever actually mastering, as no human is ever perfect. YOU are full of knowledge and challenges, light and dark, creativity and questions, and so on. You be YOU! And don't let your self or anyone else ever tell you you can't be!

"Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!" - Dr. Seuss

Relative Greatness

So, before writing this, I checked back on my other posts here, just to make sure I'd not be repeating myself too badly.

And what did I find? That, um, yeah. This blog should pretty much change its name to "This GREAT Life." As in, Sweetie's always saying she's great, even though I don't believe that to be true as much as she claims. And also that it is my and Hubby's and maybe a few other random people's humble opinion that she is not the healthiest looking child. And, yes, I tell you about all this all the freakin' time.

Yet, here I am. About to do it again.

Take, for instance, Sweetie's 4th grade school picture that we just got a few weeks ago. Yes, she is smiling a way-forced/too big smile, which makes her look just silly. But beyond that, well... let's just say that the picture literally makes Hubby angry. He won't look at it again. He says it makes her look sickly and pale and just not "Sweetie." And... I agree. There's something about it - the way they had her torque her neck, or something - that makes her look old. Like, winkled-neck old, smiling-too-big-wrinkled-face old. And pale. And thin (yes, she's thin - always has been. But here she looks decidedly thinner). And weak. And, yes, sickly. Just not our Sweetie.

But beyond looking sickly? Eh. As usual, she's "great." And, in some ways, I agree. I mean, we're into November already and she's not yet missed 1 day of school. She's had a couple very minor colds, but nothing to keep her down. For all intents and purposes, she has, in fact, been great. Yippee!

But... I don't know. Is it a legitimate complaint to say my daughter is "only" sick-looking, and therefore sick? Therefore, something is still not right? Something still needs to be found and dealt with and fixed? Is she throwing up? No. Fevers? No. Fatigue? Eh - not that I have really noticed. Soreness? Again, not that I'm aware. I should be happy! But, really. She doesn't look right! Fix her!

In terms of how Sweetie is actually feeling, aside from the "great"s, I only get very brief glimpses into how she is.

She complains that she really wants/needs to have Halloween candy as part of her lunch because, before Halloween, turns out she was "always" tired at school. But ever since she'd been getting some Halloween candy, it wakes her up and helps her focus (or, such is her argument.)

She rides her bike 3 or 4 laps around our small cul-de-sac, but then takes a small rest because she says, matter of factly, that her arms are a bit sore.

We go to the cast party for the Oliver! production that she was just in, and she sits behind me, in the corner of the room, not out playing and socializing with the other kids. She says she's bored. I wonder if she's just not feeling up to playing (the party took place at the Boys & Girls Club where she goes after school everyday. She's very familiar with this place, is my point, and has made at least 1 pretty good friend while in the cast. Why not play with her? Why not go play Legos with anyone?! Get out there!)

This girl. She just has me in a constant state of wonder.

It's enough to make me consider stopping her over-the-counter immune-boosting gummies we've been having her take for almost a year now. Like, is there something there, just below the surface, that's not too bad, but yet is kinda screaming to get out? If she stops the gummies and allows her body to experience the sickness, to get it out, wouldn't that be a good thing? Who knows. (And who's to say those store bought gummies are truly doing anything much to cure/surpress any lingering illnesses anyway.)

I know. I know. I should be thanking my lucky stars that I don't have a complainer. Well, yeah, I kinda do. She can and does complain, and whine, about a good many things, actually. But how she's feeling is never one of them, ever.

Last Friday I thought I had an ingenious idea. I made "emoti-magnets." That is, smiley faces, about 15 - 20 of them, that express a whole range of emotions. Happy, sad, scared, sleepy, excited, angry, proud, etc... I thought these would be a fantastic way for Sweetie to show us what she's feeling, if she's not going to tell us. And - yes! She loves them and is more than happy, so far, to single out an emotion or two each day to represent what she's feeling. Yay!

But... we're finding that A) there aren't always the "right" emoti-magnets to represent how we're feeling (we all try to use them each day.) And, B) these are pretty much strictly feelings. Not health related. Although there are Sleepy, Tired, and Sick options. But nothing for, say, specifically a headache. Or an upset stomach. I noted that I would try to find some like these, but Sweetie says no. The "Sick" option is good enough for all those things. Fine, whatever. We'll see if she uses it, anyway. So far it's just been a weekend of Excited and Happy, what with her Oliver! show. Then a bit of Sad when the shows were done.

Another thing I wonder about is how much to heart Sweetie has taken something I said rather off the cuff several years ago. I think, at the time, I wrote about this on my other blog. But not sure I've ever mentioned it here yet...

It must have been school shopping for 1st grade. She and I were at the mall with Grammy, and Sweetie was complaining that she was tired of walking. She was very whiney. She didn't want to walk anymore. She said her feet hurt. Wah, wah, wah.

Finally, I had had enough of it. I bent down to her level and I let her know quite simply that she needed to stop with this. I told her that if anyone had a right to complain about all the walking, it was me. My back hurt and I didn't want to do it either - but I'm not complaining. You, I told her, have no right to complain at all!

And then - she didn't complain again.

Simple enough. But I wonder if my words stuck, even after all this time. I know that sounds pretty ridiculous, on one hand. But on another, I do know for a fact that way back in Kindergarten Sweetie made up a huge lie of a story about something that happened one particular day at school. And when I found out that it was all a lie, I got mad. Really mad. She was angrily sent to her room and told to think about what she'd done. To this day, I know my Sweetie hates lies. She won't tell them and doesn't like to hear that others have. And if I were to ask her if she remembers that day back in kindergarten when she got in so much trouble for lying, I have no doubt in my mind that she would not only instantly remember, but she would also get upset about it and mad at me for making her recall such a bad memory.

My point - Sweetie remembers these types of things. Perhaps my stern words saying "you don't have the right to complain about how you feel - I do, and I don't" have stuck with her all this time. She knows I'm in pain everyday. So, to her, she's "still" got no right to say what's going on with her.

I don't know. That seems like a stretch, and rather complex for her young age. But, then again, knowing my Sweetie and how much concern she seems to have for me (if I fall down, she's always very concerned to find out if I'm okay), it really wouldn't surprise me at all to find out that she's holding back with her own stuff because she doesn't want me to suffer for myself AND find out that she's not well too. Just like I told her to do - keep it in. Don't say one more word.

I can't tell you how many times Hubby and I both have told her over the last year or so that she needs to tell us how she's feeling other than great. We've tried to arrange for her to give us a code if she's not well - that got way too complicated. We've tried to tell her that it's okay to say she's great if someone asks her how she is, but if we ask her how she's feeling, she's got to say something different, even if similar (which is what she usually went for.) We've tried to ban the word "great" from her vocabulary entirely - she just looks for synomyms. We've told her that it is in no way a sign of weakness to admit to feeling anything other than great. We've told her it's actually a good thing, sometimes, if she's not feeling well because that means her body is fighting the Lyme. We've tried to initiate a journal between she and I where she can write to me how she's feeling - she just writes me silly, non-related notes or draws me pictures, if anything at all. We've tried so many things. And still, she remains "great."

Which, you know. Is kind of great. And I'm sure, to her, she is just that. She won't lie.

I just can't shake this sneaking suspicion that her "great" is a rather "meh" feeling in actuality. That Lyme has been with her so long that she only accepts how she regularly feels now as "great," when, in actuality, she could feel so, so much more greater than that.

If only we knew for sure what her true starting point was/is. We could work so much more effectively to get her back to true greatness.